Scarlett and Common are Doing It, Will You?

I will concede the first time I watched this I thought it was way too earnest, but it syncs up really well. I kind of enjoy thinking that this is America, and not blue-haired bingo night Mexican-hating old folks. By the way, he gave this speech when he LOST in New Hampshire. If you wanna be my lover, you've gotta get with my friends, and vote.

50 Years, Stuck on My Eyes

If you emerged from a coma, were a Cosmonaut, or were just paroled, this would catch you up on everything cultural. History class is pointless now. It's a shame Ossie Davis didn't record every word in the English language before he passed. He makes Morgan Freeman sound like Matt LeBlanc.

Bright Lights, Big City

or: The Day I Became a New York Giants Fan.

Coming in shortly before halftime, my father exclaims "7-3. It's baseball", which filled my heart with dread, because turning the Super Bowl into a baseball game is probably Al Qaeda's master plan. In all honesty, for a long time it was not a very sexy or exciting game, plus the commercials were underwhelming, but like any good '80s action film, the character development was leading to a slam bang finish. Tom Brady, remember when we promised we'd kill you last? We were telling the truth.

You probably never want to watch a football game with me. I am actually the type of person that throws my fists in the air and yells YES! when my team scores a touchdown. I also did this during the Oscars in 2003 when Roman Polanski won Best Director.

Eli Manning is now Luke Skywalker. Many Bothans died to bring the Giants the plans needed to destroy the Death Star, including the Jaguars, but only through believing in the force could he achieve. Watching him break free from 4 tacklers and gunsling it to Tyree was sexier than naked ladies. It was the essential scrappiness that invalid agoraphobic historians believe is essential to the American character.

For a few days, our hearts are open to ridiculous scenarios. Obama may actually be President, Paul Abdul has actually released another single. Perhaps learning how to play guitar may actually get us laid. All things are possible in the Meadowlands.

The Cavalry Charged, the Indians Died

Has there ever been a larger collective desire than for the Giants to pick off Tom Brady and the Heartbreakers in Super Bowl 42? Imagine how futile we are going to feel on Monday morning when they are still slaughtered, or at least bruised and beaten. We pride ourselves as a nation that can will itself to war with a few belligerent country-western anthems, and yet we actually have no power to change the outcome of our national pasttime. It will be swift and merciless. A bayonet to our soft gut, to our belief that, at least since John Hughes, pretty boys shouldn't win against the goofy kids. The last stand of our American dream put down on the fields of Phoenix, which is clearly a fake city to begin with. The audacity of hope! Yet to paraphrase our President, perhaps the only man ballsy or foolish enough to put money on the Giants, were he not sure gambling was a mortal sin: Go Giants, Beat Patriots.

Rolly Polly Rolly Polly Rolly Polly Polly

Singin' songs of love.

Shit, Romney

Fuck I fell asleep at like 1:30 for a few hours and woke up and saw this on a news story. While I was dreaming, apparently it was all taken care of. Mitt Romney is the new President. Dig It.

Fascist Pigs

Now that quota is over for the month, I can post this for sure. If you've noticed more cops on your streets in the last few days, get used to it. Pretty soon it's going to be constant.

We hear all the time that fascism is coming to this country, but it's already here, in our State and local Police. These are men who have no education to speak of, obsessed with their uniforms, ranks, and the violent commision of their duties. They are bitter, intensely bored, and usually at odds with their surrounding constituents. They're followers, and they will serve as the backbone of whatever movement ends democracy in this country.

But for the next couple of weeks, breath easy. Also, they're usually pretty good with directions, because all they have is maps. Maps and guns.

P.S. that is a real picture.