How the Other Half Lives

7-8PM: Red Carpet. John Travolta is now consistently hilarious looking. His wife is an embarassment. I feel like telling someone what you're wearing before they ask is the ultimate in sadness. George Clooney looking damn fine for all of us sinners. He'll win his second Oscar for playing Romney. Viggo Mortensen looks exactly like the old neighbor in Home Alone.

Will someone please explain the appeal of Ryan Seacrest to me? He doesn't make me want to buy cigarettes, which even 50 years on should still be the first role of a TV host.

8-830 PM: Regis Philbin. This is a fucking TV host. To the crowd: "This is George Clooney! What's wrong with you people?!" I want to buy Lucky Strikes now.

8:18 PM: These interviews with people from the bleachers are entirely unacceptable. This is a republic, not a democracy.

Here's Daniel Day-Lewis. No one would ever call this man Danny except Regis Philbin, which is why they assigned the woman instead. A Serious man. I wish they would stop saying Daniel Plainview was an inhuman character. He's perhaps the most human character ever. Mmmm, Amy Adams.

My dad already has two zingers. He says that Tilda Swinton looks like David Bowie, which makes it officially true. And upon seeing Cameron Diaz he exclaims "They padded her rear end!"

People need to stop calling JUNO the little indie that could. It's a tired narrative. It was put out by Fox Searchlight. It may yet prove to be the best John Hughes movie ever made, but this is not THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT.

8:27 PM: Almost there. Stay on target. Stay on target. Regis is now inside, Jack Nicholson is vaguely trying to grope a pregnant Cate Blanchett. "Xavier Bardem". Somebody is giving these things alcohol!

8:30: Here we go. This opening segment is beautiful. It's very much peyote in the Modest Mouse sense. I can see how someone thought this was sentimental, but it's just terrifying. Transformers chasing Wyatt and Billy from Easy Rider. If that's not America, I don't know what is.

8:43: First Award of the night, Costume to ELIZABETH 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO. Eh.

Wesley Snipes! Jon Stewart is killing.

8:47: Within 20 years, George Clooney will be President. By force if necessary.

Ehhhh Amy Adams.

Katherine Heigl, if you are not good at this get off the stage. God damnit man you're wasting my time! It makes me so unbelievably happy that a clip from NORBIT recieved prominent time. Makeup goes to LA VIE EN ROSE. I'm kind of sick of making pretty girls ugly. The opposite is so much harder.

My dad, on PERSEPOLIS: "This is a cartoon in a foreign language? Fuck." Second award, RATATOUILLE, well deserved.

This clip is pretty good. Nobody really does these any better, except maybe the Republican Convention. But they have 9/11 and Reagan.

9:07: The Rock should probably host this next year. ZODIAC should really be up for Visual Effects, but no one noticed them because it was so seamless. TRANSFORMERS win. Any friend of Shia is a friend of mine.

9:11: Art Direction to SWEENEY TODD. The first category in which THERE WILL BE BLOOD was robbed. I just got a diatribe from my dad on why Cate Blanchett's dress could have been better and still accentuated her pregnancy. He clearly missed his calling in fashion.

9:18: Javi. Fuck yeah. It's a very strong category, I would have accepted Casey, Hal or Tom. But Anton was just too legendary. Now he's talking to his mom in Spanish, which is making my Venezuelan dad very misty.

Short film to French guy. Don't you have to be fairly retarded to be French and not speak English?

This new cast of Dancing with the Stars is without question the most insane thing ever assembled. Adam Carolla, Marlee Matlin, Priscilla Presley, and Steve Guttenberg. Show's back. Tommy Lee Jones looks exactly like LBJ.

9:35: Best Supporting Actress. I'm a big Cate supporter, and would accept Amy Ryan as well. I should support Tilda Swinton since I'm of the select few who finds her really hot, even in this. Plus, again, David Bowie. Whoa Tilda. I am a golden god.

9:47: Coens. I thought they'd spread the wealth, go with Harwood or Anderson. This is good though. That dialogue was austere murder.

Sid Ganis blabbing about about the Oscars. We enter the dark period for the next hour. This would be like Jack Johnson doing the halftime show. Here's Travolta with Gary Oldman's hair from Dracula. Consistently. Never mind, this video is actually fairly amusing.

9:53: Miley Cyrus. I was really hoping she would present Best Picture. All right, it's over. Turn the kids off now.

9:56: Some of these songs are too long. They probably should have had a revue of some of the best Oscar-winning songs of all time. By which I mean the Theme from SHAFT.

10:01: Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. Funny. I do hope that are from a different species of extremely curly-haire people. Sound Editing goes to BOURNE ULTIMATUM, which is fine. I was dreading TRANSFORMERS, which is one of the most non-sensically loud movies I've ever seen.

NO COUNTRY needs to win at least one sound award. But O'Connell's dry streak has gotten tragic, so I can't begrudge him. If 3:10 TO YUMA's editors are responsible for Peter Fonda's growling, they will also be acceptable.

10:07: Kevin O'Connell has now lost 20 straight Oscars I believe. Are they doing Best Actress already? "Every faceless woman of color". Ugh. Probably Christie, but I can feel a Cottilard. We'll see. I probably shouldn't be putting myself out there with predictions.

In 21 years, Forest Whitaker will be President. Why the hell aren't Jodie Foster or Angelina Jolie up for this? Wow Cottilard is possibly mentally ill in addition to being pretty and French. I don't have to explain how hot that is. I'm doing well so far.

10:19: Wii. Don't get it. If I want to do something physical, I would do it. When I play a video game, I play a video game. I think Colin Farrell is now homeless. He's very good in IN BRUGES by the way, go see it. Here comes ONCE song. This should be up for more. I'm bracing for my dad to insult this terribly. This is the only legitimately great song nominated. It's a consolation prize but they deserve it.

10:30: BOURNE ULTIMATUM has taken Editing from Roderick Jaynes. If they love it this much why isn't up for Best Picture? Seriously.

I have no idea who Robert Boyle is, but that's some good work. I love when men reach a certain age that they start wearing scarves with their tuxedos.

Jack Nicholson with the Best Picture revue clip. I am shamed how many of these I have not seen. I would say 30%. Some pretty damn good movies, my dad says.

10:42: Best Foreign Language. Everyone is so angry that 4 MONTHS, 3 WEEKS and 2 DAYS and PETROPOLIS aren't here, will the winner be forever tainted? Odds I would say go to the Holocaust film, though MONGOL looks fucking awesome. Yep, THE COUNTERFEITERS.

MCDREAAAAAAMMMMMMMMY. Oh man, sung by John McLaughlin. Apparently it's a different person. They shouldn't tease me like that.

10:49: Best Original Song, to ONCE. Excellent. T'anks.

10:57: Jon Stewart is as classy as Josh Brolin is hot. Marketa has the best speech of the night so far. Nice they let her say it after all. Fair play to those who dream, well said.

10:57: Cinematography. Deakins needs his Oscar. I would prefer for JESSE JAMES, but NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN is also legendarily shot.

And it goes to Elswit. Well deserved. As Justin said, some of the shots could be paintings. Probably the most painterly film of its type since ROAD TO PERDITION. Now Deakins will have to win for almost anything he shoots. This will probably inspire a Cinematography fetish blog down the road.

Damn Hillary Swank looks good. And here comes the Memoriam. Heath will probably devastate me.

11:09: Amy Adams presenting Best Original Score. The music reminds me I believe they left Roy out of the Memoriam. Madness. Dario Marinelli wins for ATONEMENT, which is fine, though that fucking type-writer drove me insane. This is Johnny Greenwood's Oscar in any just world.

The insanity of Tom Hanks is very underrated. Enjoyed the presentation from "Bagh-DAD". Go SICKO, the most moving film of the year.

11:17: I look forward to a lecture on torture that will in fact be torture.

This man is very wrong if he thinks Guantanamo bay makes it impossible to make a romantic comedy. I guess after his BOWLING FOR COLUMBINE speech Michael Moore will never actually win an Oscar again, or be allowed to speak. It's a shame they didn't let him bring Castro, but I suppose there is already too much sexiness in the building.

11:25: God bless Harrison Ford for piercing the veil of glamour and revealing that there is apparently nothing more miserable than presenting an Award. Original Screenplay to Diablo Cody. Her speech is kind of a mess, certainly very human. She did herself a lot of favors by not trying to crack any jokes. I know girls exactly like this. So the dream is only getting closer.

This Best Actor montage is my favorite thing of the night so far. It's a mix of sad and happy to see Marlon Brando jogging up to the stage like that. Mmmmmmmm Helen Mirren.

It seems the height of disingenousness to not play the naked fight as Viggo's Oscar clip. And the winner is Daniel Day-Lewis, fucking great. It's absurd how nice he is in person. He is the Third Revelation.

11:44: Director to Coens. Sweet. Everything seems assured. Denzel is here to give me what I want, or is he?

Best Picture of the Year to NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. Nice to see McCarthy there. What evil thoughts he must have in his mind. It's nice that the Academy and I are in total agreement.

All in all, a good show. Jon Stewart did an excellent job. I enjoy how we accept rudeness from him but not Chris Rock. I suggest locking him down every year. My own thoughts on the film year soon to follow. Good night and good luck.